Curly Straight

My credit union allows me to deposit checks online via my scanner.

Scan in it, sign it, turn it over, scan that side in, boom! Instant funds deposited. Write "void" on the check and toss it. It's pretty easy and so convenient, although it always seems to take more than one try for some reason.

Today I am paying bills and had a couple of checks to deposit. One was in the scanner, already deposited. One was sitting in front of me waiting to go into the scanner next.

Guess which one I wrote "void mofo" on?

Today at the gym, I am in the middle of talking to a girl I sometimes chat with. She's a blonde, with a young daughter a little younger than TJ. She's behind me, on the stairmaster, and I am on the stationary bicycle. I have to turn my head to chat with her, so when another one of the moms walks by, (blonde too), and starts chatting with her, she doesn't realize that we were chatting.

I am not the least bit offended, as I know she didn't mean to interrupt us.

What goes through my head? "They are talking blonde to each other."

Seriously. This is the way I think.

Another case in point. Today I observed the body language of Winnie the Pooh's Mama Roo in the Heffelump movie when the Mama Heffelump put her trunk around Mama Roo, Mama Roo had her arms crossed and I thought to myself "note the body language of Mama Roo. She wants nothing to do with that Heffelump."

Is it my imagination or does Maria on Sesame Street look constantly puzzled?

I am not going to save up the red sour patch kids 'til the end from now on.

I am just going to eat the red ones and throw the rest away because really, why not?

I feel this weird sense of obligation to fill out online and print surveys because I think I really can make a difference in the way products are priced, marketed and advertised and I think it's kind of fun.

I am signed up for a couple of the survey sites and I choose to participate in them more than is probably normal.

"Check here if you would like to receive invitations to take part in focus groups, sample new products, or give feedback on new ad campaigns."

Oh,heck yeah, sign me up.

30 Rock on Netflix's Instant Watch feature is sucking away my life 21 minutes at a time.

JP just brought home a new type of beer that he heard was good from one of his new co-workers.

It is delicious! Makes switching jobs and a three hour daily commute worth it right there.

The clincher? MILLER.

It's called Miller Chill and I love it.

Our plans were to spring clean. Well, mine at least. I think my husbands’ plan was to take a nap.

What we ended up doing in reality is going to the zoo, where my 2-year-old told another little boy not to look at his seals.

Had to run to CVS today to get laundry detergent, dishwashing detergent, and a couple of other things.

Stuffed TJ into the little part of the carriage and put Julia in her carseat bucket up on top. I asked TJ if he wanted the Disney music cd for the car. He did. He also wanted bubbles, which he got and a fly swatter, which he did not.

Twenty minutes of my life yesterday consisted of googling "hamburger grease clog" due to the english muffin floating in the full sink of greasy dishes and water. I thought I remember reading somewhere that bread will soak up the fat globules. In that case, maybe I should eat more bread.

It pretty much ended up draining on its own, with a loud sucking "WHOOOOSH" that scared TJ and I in the living room. After that, TJ and I put a concoction of apple cider vinegar and baking soda down the sink, which may not have helped the clog, but looked damn cool. Then we boiled water and put that down the sink too.

Then I tried to put the sick 5-month-old girl down for a nap, which didn't work out as well as I had hoped.

As that is happening, TJ is watching Sesame Street videos online (God Bless Sesame Street) as I am reading an article on how to remove lice from one's head. No valid reason whatsoever for reading that, except that it was pretty well written and interested me.

I hear a beautiful singing voice from the computer singing "One, Two, Three, Four." It was so stunning, I took a moment to stop reading my lice article to listen. It was so clear and beautiful, it seriously brought a tear to my eye. The singer is Feist.

Today I listened to her stuff on itunes and while it is still gorgeous, it was such a moment yesterday when I first heard her on Sesame Street that hearing the "real" version of the song did not do it for me.

I think it had to do with the fact that I love having the kids this small and Sesame Street to me just rocks and it is cool that they have pop culture singers on it and maybe a little emotional from getting oh about four hours sleep the night before.

We are having a crazy time here this week, between the dogs getting sprayed by the skunk and another rat (euw euw euw) killed by my manly husband, I am getting so skeebed out I am scared to go in the yard. This morning there is something dead in the yard - or at least pretending to be dead but probably just waiting for me to go investigate it so it can get me. I don't know what it is, because I am too scared to go close to it to find out. What if these animals get into the house and eat us? If you don't hear from me again, you'll know that's what happened.

TJ woke up Julia too early this morning and all hell broke loose.

I need a massage.

TJ has asked me a couple of times lately why I don't have a penis.

To add to the two kids, two adults, two dogs, three cats, we now have another living thing in the house. A caterpillar. It's big and thick and green and it's in a lemonade jar and I think is getting ready to make its cocoon.

Sign at Agway said "bird feeders - 25% off" but being a new mom here is what I saw:

Breast feeders 25% off.

I find it hilarious that the condoms are located directly next to the diapers.

We have a hand puzzle that features all the fingers in a different color with a number on each.

Somehow the orange middle finger got separated from the rest of the puzzle and I walk by it whenever I go downstairs.

It makes me laugh every time.

The first ingredient on Trader Joe's chicken potstickers is boneless chicken.

Might make for some rough eating if they had bones in them.

I find it somewhat hilarious that there is a squirrel that loves to hang out on the top of the dog pen fence.

I'm pretty sure she is taunting Georgia, the Hater of All Things Squirrel.

I find it absolutely astonishing that my very intelligent husband can't find the mayonnaise if it's behind something else in the fridge.

Yet, he somehow manages to find the two beers that I had stashed way down at the bottom of the refrigerator, behind all the Christmas leftovers.

Is it wrong that I just googled do they sell beer at Edaville Railroad?

Sore throats seem to be common in the winter. Mine is sore right now. From an illness, perhaps strep throat?

No.

Earlier, TJ declared himself Oscar the Grouch, Julia Baby Grouch and me Mama Grouch.

So, my throat hurts from talking like Oscar the Grouch for the last hour.

On my to do list, I have "make a new to do list."

Despite the fact that he is three-years-old, TJ is an adult if he is flying on Southwest Airlines.

When I am at the gym, usually the Kelly and Regis Show is on. To entertain myself during the elliptical, I watch that, listen to my ipod and sometimes look at the news, Facebook and email on my phone.

There are multiple televisions so the closed captions are necessary to know what's going on. Today there was the word "journey" in the context of what they were talking about on the show.

Immediately, the song "Journey to Ernie" from Sesame Street popped into my head and has been going through my head ever since.

Can you tell I'm a mom to young children?

C'mon global warming, bring it on!

Kidding. Totally kidding.

I recycle.

I wonder why the leftover beer in my refrigerator is so tempting but my treadmill is not.

John's take on flip flops:

"They are like slippers for the beach. You don't wear slippers to the beach or out in public. Same thing with flip flops. You can't pull off wearing them out in public. Well, some people do, but I don't."

is going to Aunt Mary's 97th bday party this weekend.

Tequila shots for all.

My sister likes to write beautiful poems for major life events. AHEM.

Following is her ode to Flip and Flop. Sums it up pretty well.

We went away for a week
Rest and relaxation we did seek

TJ said Mama I have a surprise
And Mama could not believe her eyes

Two goldfish in a tank
And Mimi is the one to thank

Two kids, two dogs, three cats and two fish
How am I going to handle this

Two more mouths for me to feed
Is really the last thing that I need

I really wanted to let out a scream
I pinched myself to make sure it was not a dream

I let it slide no big deal
It was not like it was a pet seal

A little care is all they need
Change the water and some feed

We packed our bags for another trip
Saying behave to Flop and Flip

Little did we know how short our time would be
Usually goldfish have a longer life expectancy

We said our good bye's in a proper way
Off to the fish store I go today

Just putting away my suitcase now from the weekend.

There is still the "use and care" instruction sheet - being the good rule-follower that I am, I read it before recycling it.

It has 8 steps on cleaning and caring for the suitcases, how to store them, etc.

The 8th step, exactly as written: Never allow childrdn to play inside your unzipped luggage as this could damage the locking handle.

A coonskin cap looks much like John's cat Taylor.

Each and every time I walk by the hat, no matter where it is - and it travels around, believe me - I wonder why is Taylor on top of the toy box, on the stairs, and my favorite - in the hat box.

Insulted. Times two! Good thing I'm tough and can take it.

Manicurist to me:

So, what do you usually do for your cuticles?

Me: I usually just get manicures done.

Manicurist. I was gonna say, it doesn't look like you do anything to them.

As I am getting my nails done, the hairdresser comes over and looks at my hair.

Hairdresser: So, who does your color?

Me: I have a hairdresser who usually does it, but I haven't had it done lately.

Hairdresser: I can tell.

Then she goes into a big tirade how women should always color their hair and any gray makes them so much older....

So much for making me feel special.